I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
