Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
