need another drink. this is the easiest way
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
