can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
