Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
