oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
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