You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Sober January is a disaster.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize