We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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