Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Randomize
