I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
