someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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