forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
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