im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
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