Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm determined to sit on that face.
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