Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i drank out of a bidet.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
