my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
