When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Congratulations! We have a period
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