it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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