We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
