proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
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