u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I enjoy the company of your penis
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize