I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
So much rum. So many feels.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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