I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
