The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize