dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
