I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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