Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
