So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
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