I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
i was born a porn star she said
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Randomize
