You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
We left the knife in your bed.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize