The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
false alarm, still single
Randomize
