just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
