My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize