Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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