I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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