I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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