i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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