the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
