I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
