Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize