I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
