apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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