I think I died a long time ago.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
