My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
