We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
