Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize