He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
