i barfeds in our rink
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
