I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
