The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
