I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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