I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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