how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You have to summon your inner elephant
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Randomize
