it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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