my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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