and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
