I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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