how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
