paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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