Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
