I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Randomize
