I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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