On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We had to coat check the pizza.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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