..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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