I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
