I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
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