i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize